The Plague of Loneliness
Today’s bubonic plague
is not caused by an invading pathogen. Instead, it is caused by the absence of
an “invader.” However, loneliness can be every bit as destructive as the
plague, and it has become as epidemic. Theologian Jerram Barrs writes:
- In the polls taken of our contemporaries, people say
over and over again that their primary personal difficulty is personal
loneliness. That is extraordinary. You think of all the contact we have
with people in this culture, but people’s number one identified problem is
personal loneliness. People simply do not know how to make close
relationships.
Indeed, this growing
social isolation is even more remarkable in view of the many new ways that we
now have to connect – Facebook, Skype, cell phones, meet-ups, dating services…
These findings tally
with a survey that came out three years ago, indicating that 25% of respondents
indicated that they lacked a personal confidante. The same survey had been
conducted 15 years earlier, but found that only 10% lacked a confidante.
This parallels the
findings of Harvard Sociologist Robert Putnam who observed:
- A broad and continuing erosion of civic
engagement…began a quarter-century ago.
- Voting, political knowledge, political trust, and
grassroots political activism are all down. Americans sign 30 per cent
fewer petitions and are 40 per cent less likely to join a consumer
boycott, as compared to just a decade or two ago. The declines are equally
visible in non-political community life: membership and activity in all
sorts of local clubs and civic and religious organizations have been
falling at an accelerating pace. In the mid-1970s the average American
attended some club meeting every month, by 1998 that rate of attendance
had been cut by nearly 60 per cent.
- In 1975 the average American entertained friends at
home 15 times per year; the equivalent figure (1998) is now barely half
that. Virtually all leisure activities that involve doing something with
someone else, from playing volleyball to playing chamber music, are
declining.
Many cite greater
tolerance as a positive relational development of our increasingly secular
society. However, Putnam found that, meanwhile, the trust level was taking a
hit:
- Although Americans are more tolerant of one another
than were previous generations, they trust one another less. Survey data
provide one measure of the growth of dishonesty and distrust, but there
are other indicators. For example, employment opportunities for police,
lawyers, and security personnel were stagnant for most of this…In the last
quarter century these occupations boomed, as people have increasingly
turned to the courts and the police.
As Putnam suggests,
social isolation or loneliness might have multiple causes. I would like to
focus on one thing that has made relationships more difficult – the growing
failure to accept ourselves as we truly are!
Without self-acceptance,
we distance ourselves from others. The self that we are unwilling to accept is
the same self that we want to hide from others. Rather than showing this self,
we cloth ourselves with a façade – a front or a covering. This requires a lot
of psychic energy and internal struggle. We engage in habitual, self-obsessed
image-management, refusing to let the other into our world – the world we
cannot accept.
Why is it difficult to
accept this world? We feel ashamed of it and feel certain that if others saw us
as we are, they would reject us. Consequently, we condemn ourselves to an
endless quest to prove ourselves through accomplishments, carefully manicured
appearances, money, power, whatever! However, this just pushes others further away.
They feel a pressure to match the image that we put forth.
Besides, when we can’t
be real with ourselves, we can’t be real with others. This makes any connection
difficult and uncomfortable. To connect, two people need to share a common
reality, at least to some extent. However, if we are consumed by managing our
image, we do not put forth a true picture of ourselves. What we offer is
something that doesn’t line up with what others see about us. This dissonance
tends to push us apart. This problem is maximized by our secular culture, which
tells us to build our self-trust and self-esteem at the expense of truth - who
we truly are - further alienating us from ourselves!
I know a little about
this because I had experienced intense isolation. I too had felt ashamed of
myself, and no amount of accomplishments, positive affirmations, or
psychotherapists were able to make dent into my shame. I was convinced that in
order to be loved, I had to become someone else, and for many years, this is
exactly what I tried to do. However, nothing would ease my social discomfort.
So what made the
difference? Knowing Christ and His love and acceptance of me! As I grew in the
certainty that He accepted me thoroughly, I found that I could begin to accept
myself, even laugh at myself, and admit my personal failures. Before, I was
unable to confront them. They threatened the little sense of personhood and
value that I had managed to retain.
Christ has been
liberating (John 8:31-32)! He is also an ongoing comfort to me. Prior to this,
I was unable to face my faults and guilt and could not resolve interpersonal
conflict. I always had to be right. To be wrong was just too deflating and
humiliating – something I couldn’t endure. I had been psychologically trapped
and lacked the flexibility to relate to others.
Why didn’t anything else
work for me? I certainly wanted my psychotherapists and my various lifestyle
changes to work, but they couldn’t deliver. Only my Savior could!
