Your Brother Daniel
Confessions: Struggling to Truly Trust in God
It
seems that when we most need to trust in our Savior, trust says, “hasta luego,
baby,” abandoning us to our torment. I presently face the prospect of losing
all my teeth, and I don’t know which way to turn. I try to trust that the Lord
will guide me, but I am experiencing obstacles. I reason within myself, “God
has let others down – How can I know that He won’t let me down also?” In light
of this concern, can I truly embrace His promises like:
·
Do not be anxious about
anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all
understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil.
4:6-7)
However,
instead of peace, I have been experiencing torment. I sought God to understand
how I could fully trust Him in light of the disappointments I see among
Christians. While many of the brethren reaffirm that they have found God
completely trustworthy, I remain haunted by those few cases where I can find no
redeeming explanation for their tragedy. I’ve repeatedly asked my Lord for
wisdom in this area, but it seemed that none was forthcoming.
Perhaps
I was not yet open to the wisdom that He was giving me. I was repeatedly
reminded of the famous passage from Proverbs 3:5-8:
·
Trust in the Lord with
all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in
all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do
not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This
will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.
Perhaps
I have been leaning too much to my own understanding. I had been allowing my
understanding – “insisting” that I first have to have an answer to my question
before I would commit myself to fully trusting Christ – interfere with trust.
Consequently, instead of finding “nourishment to [my] bones,” I was reaping the
torment of fear.
While
our Lord promises that He will liberally grant wisdom (James 1:5), He doesn’t
guarantee that He will answer our every question. Peter had asked Jesus
about the fate of John. Jesus answered hypothetically: ““If I want him to
remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me” (John
21:22). And even with only this minimal response, the disciples misunderstood
Jesus and concluded that Jesus would return before John died. Clearly, we
cannot handle certain knowledge, even glorious knowledge.
Years
ago, before I knew Christ, He encountered me in the midst of a pool of blood. I
was dying from a horrible chainsaw injury. In an instance, He revealed Himself to
me. Suddenly, I knew that He was love, power-to-the-highest, and that He would
see me through this debacle. I was so certain of what He had revealed that when
my surgeon informed me that I would have to immediately begin exercising my
half-cut-off wrist, I blew him off, certain of this unknown God’s sovereignty
over my life. Even though I had been correct about His sovereignty, I made a
wrong assumption – that my efforts didn’t matter at all. As a result of this, I
lost the mobility of my hand.
We
cannot handle some knowledge without it mishandling us. Therefore, in His
wisdom, Jesus withholds it from us until we can handle it. Instead, faith and
trust must be our source of light and evidence (Romans 11:1). This certainly
doesn’t mean that wisdom and evidences are for naught. God gladly provides us
with evidences (Acts 1:3; 2:22; Deut. 4:34-38; Exodus 4) and encourages us to
seek wisdom.
However,
there are doors that wisdom alone cannot open. I had been standing in
the dark outside of one such door, demanding an answer before I would step into
the light of trust. God had been giving me an answer, but I wasn’t hearing it.
God
had also been giving Job such an answer, but Job too was having a hard time
hearing it. The prophetic Elihu tried to bring his problem home to him:
·
Why do you complain to
him that he responds to no one’s words? For God does speak—now
one way, now another—though no one perceives it. (Job 33:13-14).
Why
wasn’t Job perceiving God’s answer? I think that, often, it is because we think
more of ourselves – our own righteousness and reasoning – than we ought.
Consequently, we are not always receptive. Job was convinced that God
had treated him unjustly. Consequently, he was only responsive to proving that
he had been righteous. He therefore required a divine confrontation to knock
some sense into his head. God had asked him a series of questions regarding
what he knew and what he could do (Job 38-41). It soon became apparent that Job
failed on every account. If Job could not answer any of God’s questions, why
did he feel confident in his indictment of God? The conclusion was inescapable
– Job lacked the wisdom and knowledge by which to bring any indictments against
God! Job therefore confessed:
·
“You asked, ‘Who is this
that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not
understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now, and I
will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My
ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore
I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:3-6)
There
is nothing the matter with wisdom. However, when we have too high of a regard
for our own “wisdom,” we lose receptivity, like a dirty pair of
eyeglasses. Job had had too high regards for his own reasoning. Ironically,
this prevented him from trusting in God and hardened him against hearing.
However, God mercifully chastens us with our own opinions to show us how our
pride and its prickly fruit cost us:
·
“He [God] may speak in
their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn them from
wrongdoing and keep them from pride, to preserve them from the
pit.” (Job 33:16-18)
The
more we trust in ourselves, the less we trust in God. Unless our Lord chastens
us, it is inevitable that we will lean to our own tragic and depressing
understanding, and with this, away from God’s comforting understanding.
How
could I trust in God in view of certain tragedies that I couldn’t reconcile
with such trust? I had unconsciously assumed that if I couldn’t reconcile
trusting in God with these “tragedies,” I couldn’t really trust in God. In
this, I had been placing too much trust in my understanding. I was committing
the same fallacy as I have often accused the atheists of making. I would tell
them:
·
Just because you fail to
find a purpose for suffering, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t one. Instead, it
is just possible (understatement) that God’s wisdom might be greater than your
own.
In
fact, God often warns us that He will place us in situations where our
understanding will fail us – like when He asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac
(Gen. 22) - and where our faith must be exercised to a greater extent:
·
Dear friends, do not be
surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though
something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you
participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his
glory is revealed. (1 Peter 4:12-13)
These
trials turn us away from a self-trust and a self-focus to a God-only
preoccupation, and I know that I – and you too – need trials. Without them,
there is a great risk that we will become too comfortable in this world and
will not “be overjoyed” when He comes back for us. Lord, thank You for the
trials!