SELF-PITY
Self-pity is a common problem. While it has an immediate payoff – self-righteous anger and an entitling victimhood identity – it is almost universally recognized as self-destructive. New Age pundit Eckhart Tolle recognizes this truth:
∑ Discontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you make.
Writer Martha Beck also commented:
∑ As I obsess about my ancient problems, I feel more like I'm sinking in quicksand than lighting a torch. I'm creating neither heat nor light, just the icky, perversely pleasurable squish of self-pity between my toes. My only defense is that I'm not the only one down here in the muck - our whole culture is doting on tales of personal tragedy.
This is hardly a defense. Even if self-pity is universal, it is still a poison to be avoided. However, it can be deeply entrenched. Writer Joyce Meyer warns that helping those imprisoned by self-pity might even be counter-productive and enabling:
∑ If someone decides they're not going to be happy, it's not your problem. You don't have to spend your time and energy trying to cheer up someone who has already decided to stay in a bad mood. Believe it or not, you can actually hurt people by playing into their self-pity.
How do we play into their self-pity? By giving the suffering what they want – more pity – rather than what they need! What do they need? Ultimately, it is an eternal hope!
However, I would recommend that we start by entering into their suffering, showing them that we are willing to be there with them, listening and caring. However, they also have to be willing to accept the doctor’s medicine. If not, there is little that the doctor can do, and he has to explain this firmly to his patient.
What is the medicine that we must administer to the sufferer? The counsel of the Scriptures! Firstly, that we all suffer:
∑ No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry. (1 Corinthians 10:13-14 ESV)
Even though our Lord will rescue us, we still have a role to play. We have to flee from idolatry and sin. Self-pity is a sin. It is a denial that our Lord is in charge and is working everything together for our good (Romans 8:28), even suffering:
∑ And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives”…For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:5-6, 11)
Trials and suffering are actually good things. By the Holy Spirit, they mold us into what He wants us to be. Therefore, we are
∑ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. (2 Corinthians 4:9-11)
No pain, no gain. To wallow in self-pity is to deny the Biblical revelation of God’s purposes. It is to deny God’s promises to us:
∑ …For all things are yours, whether…world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, and you are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s. (1 Corinthians 3:21-23; Col. 2:8-10)
We are already indescribably wealthy and privileged. To hold to self-pity denies these truths. However, it is one thing to be tempted to feel sorry for ourselves, which all of us are, but it’s another to embrace self-pity. Most importantly, our blessings extend into all eternity:
∑ He [our Savior] will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)
Therefore, we have a compelling reason to endure the sufferings that this life throws at us. Jesus established the pattern for us when He endured His own suffering:
∑ …let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. (Hebrews 12:1-3)
Jesus endured by looking to His future joy. We must do the same. We all are tempted to dwell upon our problems, pains, weaknesses, and failings. However, we are to take them to the Lord and to leave them with Him:
∑ Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:6-8)
When we indulge in self-pity, we are being devoured by the devil. Instead, we cannot carry such a burden; nor did God intend us to carry them. Instead, He encourages us to cast our cares upon Him.
A person who refuses to embrace these truths insists on carrying these burdens to their own destruction. Therefore, there is little else we can do. There is a time to quit and to move on.
